The Blog of Laughter and Forgetting

High school time

2012-02-20T11:16:00.001-08:00

Remember when I used to post song lyrics?

You always cared for me
And I pushed you in the dark
I wanted to tell you
I wanted to tell you
I wanted to tell you

But I lied
But I lied
But I lied

I hurt myself
I hurt myself

Nearly as much as I hurt you
And I wanted to tell you
And I wanted to tell you

But my pride
But my pride

Oh you are the sweetest one
You are the brightest one
Bright, Bright, Bright

Dreaming

2012-02-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

The dreams are back. My brain wants some kind of resolution, but that would damage not only my personal life, but my position at USC.

Things could have been very different.

Living alone makes you weird

2011-08-04T12:31:00.001-07:00

I've been living by myself for over a year now, so I figured I'd celebrate by listing the habits I have developed as a result.

1. I take my pants off the second I get home. Seriously, I typically spend entire evenings without pants on. There just seems to be no reason to wear them if I'm not going anywhere, and I'm sure everyone would agree that it is MUCH more comfortable.

2. I sing to my cat and the lyrics consist of "Baby cat, Ricki cat, you're a cat". This is particularly embarrassing. It is the result of how much TV I watch when I'm alone. I've found that the shows I watch tend to have instrumental theme songs, which lends themselves to me ad libbing lyrics to the same tune as these songs when I watch the shows. Ricki doesn't seem to mind most of the time. However, she seems to pay particular attention when I sing to her the theme from Doctor Who: Baby caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttt, Baby cat. Ricki cat, you're a kitttttt-ty cat.

3. I leave awkward things lying around (particularly next to the bed). No further explanation is required.

4. I never shut the door to the bathroom. It's that extra effort, and I just don't care. Plus, if I shut the door, Ricki sits outside and meows and paws at it until I open it again.

5. I dance when I do the dishes. This is my most hated chore, so I typically play a CD in my ghetto stereo (it will be celebrating its 14^th birthday this Christmas) and boogie boogie boogie. The awkward bit is how I forget to shut the blinds on my dining room window, so everyone on the street can see me dancing without pants (see 1).

I'm sure there are more, but that's all I've got for now. Enjoy.

P.S. TCOTM is progressing. I deleted a few things without making myself listen to all of it (Rush, Kraftwerk, Dire Straits, Oasis, Death Cab...). I've already freed up 3 GB. Woo!

I have 1 reader!

2011-08-02T16:53:00.003-07:00

Yes! Goal accomplished. And, she has requested that I update more often. Due to my boredom, I am happy to oblige.

I've decided to start a new project, which I shall call "The Culling of the Music" (TCOTM for short; in my head, I pronounce it tuh-cot-um). As a pack rat of sorts, I have amassed quite the music collection. I used to use this to my advantage; I could please a crowd at a party because I kept everything I ever got from other people and whatever I could get online. Now, it's an albatross around my neck. It has eaten up most of my computer's 500 GB hard drive, and I listen to about 5% of it. As such, I'm going to listen to every album that I own and either keep it or delete it. No more thinking to myself, "But what if I need this for a party or to impress so-and-so?". Screw parties AND so-and-so. If I don't love the album, it's going in the garbage. I may make exceptions for a few classic songs from certain albums (I will not listen to an entire AC/DC album, but I still want to keep "Big Balls" around), but that will not occur often.

I've started with ABBA, and I'm keeping it. No question. Judge all you want, but I will discofox my way to happiness.

New York

2011-08-01T22:07:00.003-07:00

I'm not great at normal life things. I've realized this over many years of trial and error, and not without hurting myself and other people. My biggest problem seems to be not wanting to make a decision that closes off different futures. It sounds dramatic, but I hate thinking that I made the wrong choice and fucked up the chance to lead a better/happier/more interesting life. Of course, by doing this, I wait too late and ruin things anyway. Or, I wreck relationships by leading on absolutely everyone.

But I've been getting better. Big achievement, in all honesty. I can't say exactly how, but I know that I see things differently and I feel pleased with life most of the time. I would not be where I am now otherwise. There's no fucking way. And yet, here I am, engaged and getting my PhD.

I suppose I'm writing about this because of my NY trip. It was a damn good trip and reaffirmed my desire to live there for part of my life. All the people, neighborhoods, culture, food...wonderful. However, the best part was probably seeing Ted. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years and I was nervous about seeing him. I was also unsure if it would be awkward or not (since we haven't always been on best terms). Then, we met at the Met and it was great. No explanations needed; we were just happy to see each other. He recognized that I have changed. I'm even sad that I won't see him again for a long time because we clicked so well.

I needed that. I needed someone else to notice what I've been feeling for the last several months. Now I'm back, and all I want to do is work and get to New York for more adventures.

I can't say I'm totally comfortable with everything in my life; that would be ridiculous. I have worries (engaged at 24? quals this fall?), and I was no angel in NY.

But things are better, and I'm happy with that.

Guess who's bored?

2011-07-06T17:12:00.005-07:00

ME. That's right, I'm back bitches. I'm feeling inspired because I am currently reading an entire blog (I'm determined, as it is something I have never done before). It's the blog of some guy joining my lovely boyfriend's lab. I read a few of his latest posts, and it was just him bitching about how miserable his life is and how he doesn't even WANT a PhD. Obviously, this made me extremely angry for a few reasons. First of all, chemistry is awesome. People who say otherwise have no sense of wonder about them. At best, they've had crappy teachers who didn't know how to convey the nature of science well. Secondly, there are people out there who have wanted to do PhD research since they were little, and this jerk is taking a position that could be held by one of them. And finally, hating everyone around you is SO high school.

However, I noticed that the blog went all the way back to 2004 (wow, since when is that a long time ago?), and I became intrigued. I started reading, and these posts seem like they were being written by a normal, slightly quirky person who was bored with high school (well, "college" since he's British). I had to keep reading, because then I was curious as to when the "I hate everything, especially my life" kicked in. I'm only up to the beginning of 2006, having slogged my way through various long entries. Low points: chain e-mail quizzes, atrocious spelling. High points: sparring with various service representatives from companies like banks and internet service providers. WTF points: a highly detailed description of an imaginary CareBears melee.

Now I feel attached, and I'm almost sad for whenever the crushing weight of life is going to come crashing down. Thank god I'm never going to meet him, because I don't think I could resist making many strange and awkward references to things he's said on his blog without outright saying I've read it.

Oh god. I'm an internet stalker. This is what my research has turned me into.

I blame outgassing. If it wasn't such a slow process, I'd be shooting lasers at H₂O/NO₂ surfaces and making discoveries that are only interesting to a very small group of people.

Also, it's my birthday tomorrow. Halfway to 48, as my father would say.

SHIT.

P.S. Appreciate my awesome HTML skills when it comes to subscripts. Please, no applause.

2011-05-05T15:53:00.003-07:00

It's that time again

2011-03-21T12:37:00.002-07:00

I'm getting that itch, that reoccurring feeling where I want to make bad choices, go crazy, get drunk, screw work, etc. It's making the anxiety worse and the sad thoughts louder.

I figured I should try to talk to someone about it, but I got treated like a friendly acquaintance. I do feel like things are improving, but I don't have the friends here who would deeply care about how things are in my life. As a social creature, obviously it is affecting my mental health; I can't reason my way out of this twisting in the pit of my stomach.

Country music is keeping me level-headed for the time being, but I'm not entirely sure how long that will last.

I think I've been running on adrenaline for so long that I've pushed aside all of this. Now that classes are over and I have more time to think and feel, I am having a harder time keeping it together.

I mostly wish I could drink some beers with Ben and whine to him about my problems. And get a nice hug.

Happy

2011-03-14T22:04:00.002-07:00

Done with classes forever. I was feeling poetic earlier, but now I just want to record this simple fact.

Back!

2011-02-15T15:56:00.000-08:00

And better than ever!

Goodbye old Facebook bio

2010-10-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do.

I have a nervous tic motion of the head to the left.

My goal in life is to earn the title "Officer Buttspank."

I am neurotic and lack an honesty filter.

I hate it when others bite their nails, but I have the same bad habit myself.

Messy Life

2010-09-29T10:59:00.001-07:00

What a mess. I've become so used to not interacting with people that I've forgotten how to be social.

I wish I wasn't so exhausted right now.

Can't focus on a damn thing...

2010-09-17T13:52:00.003-07:00

To coincide with the madness in my head, I read an article on the BBC about how people who spend a lot of time thinking about decisions are much more likely to have depression or other mental disorders. They're right: it's making me depressed AND a little insane.

I hardly care about school right now. Nothing seems to fit right; I have all these odds and ends of my life and personality that add up to a heap of junk instead of a coherent picture and person. Yesterday was subtly good, and today is horrifically bad. Nothing major seems to happen to push me one way or the other. I just end up falling off my propped up position because someone breathed on the supports.

Time for a meeting. At least I'm not a danger to anyone (or myself, for that matter).

New Day

2010-09-06T11:45:00.002-07:00

With a bit of a hangover, I'm deciding that starting today I'm going to be better at life. I'd like to think I'm not setting myself up to fail... If I were religious, I feel like now would be the part where I talk about recommitting myself to God or some such nonsense. It's much more nebulous than that. I'm pretty morally ambiguous at best, and a horrible person at worst. I'm going to shove all that past stuff in a box and start over. It's too much junk for other people to process, and I've spent enough time thinking about it that I'm ready to dispose of that baggage.

The headache is making me forget what else I wanted to say. Hopefully it will go away soon.

The internet has failed...

2010-09-04T17:09:00.002-07:00

For some reason, this picture is impossible to find.

Anakin & Padme Fireplace time.

Entrepreneur?

2010-08-31T13:23:00.001-07:00

I kind of want to start an exciting website, but due to rule 42, everything has already been put out there (or is that the one that says in a long enough thread, Hitler will be mentioned...). Plus, I know nothing about programming. Hmmmm.

I really need to figure out what I like.

Faith Restored

2010-08-15T21:21:00.003-07:00

I needed today. I got to spend time with some truly wonderful people, where I know they are genuinely interested in what I have to say and they want to confide in me as well.

I also had an "I love LA" moment when I was driving back from this house in the hills. LA just appeared before me, completely lit up. Driving with the windows down and music playing, it was fabulous.

Thank god for Skype

2010-08-10T22:49:00.002-07:00

No, seriously. I think I might go insane without it.

I'm missing lots of people today. People who have floated in and out of my life, people who have changed but I wasn't there for it. I want to catch up with them and listen to their opinions on things. Would it be weird to just call someone up and ask them to tell me about everything new in their life?

I'm probably getting this desire because I interact with the same 2 people every weekday...but I'm also in this strange mood. Every blue moon, I feel like life is surreal and I want to self-medicate with alcohol, cigarettes, or other not-so-legal things.

Man I lost my train of thought there. So overwhelmed with strange reminiscing. Gah brain control yourself!

Latent guilt

2010-08-10T08:14:00.003-07:00

I have been such a royal fuck up in my life. Now, that's not meant to be a self-loathing statement. I'm pretty good at ignoring my major issues in everyday life, but my brain is really fond of forcing me to rehash old situations via dream.

Last night I dreamed about Adam. It was such a vivid dream that I woke up feeling sick to my stomach because I felt so guilty about my part in our relationship. Why I'm thinking about this now when I haven't in 5 years is somewhat of a mystery...

I guess I'm just feeling strange about all of my past relationships. I never opened up to anyone, or if I did it wasn't appropriate.

I can't get it all out of my head right now because I'm censoring myself. Annoying.

Life update

2010-08-05T00:12:00.003-07:00

I got to meet the LAPD yesterday. That was an odd and surreal experience.

It turns out that even after all the SA training I went through, I still didn't do the right thing when it came to sexual assault. When it happens to you, it's so very hard to tell anyone about it. And I feel in the general scheme of things, what happened to me wasn't the worst. I can't even imagine what it is like for some women out there...

The good thing is that USC will be issuing their equivalent of a restraining order against Eric (well, not officially yet, but I was told that it would happen). The LAPD officer encouraged me to get an actual restraining order against him, but I just couldn't do that. I honestly don't believe this will happen to any other girl in his future, and I think the university action will be wake-up call enough. If he does bother me again, though, I might actually have to go to court. I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle that kind of thing in my life, but it might be necessary for my peace of mind and personal safety.

Who knew my life would get so heavy?

In other, less dramatic news, I'm doing okay. I have a weight lifted off me, but I'm still rather isolated. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not much anything else. It's a bit like limbo, but perhaps slightly more pleasant. That was too many "buts."

Oh, and I'm really excited about the decision on Prop 8. I've been reading the court decision document, and it's making me want to be a judge just so I can hand down a stack of sass in legal-ese. That would be amazing. The highlights are mostly when there are references to the complete lack of factual information presented by the bigots (i.e. "defendant-intervenors"/proponents of Prop 8). It also is an interesting look into the role of government in the personal lives of citizens. That's not something I think about every day since I happen to be a privileged white female in a heterosexual relationship (even thought I would not refer to myself as straight and narrow), but the government's role in your life becomes painfully specific and apparent when it is denying you rights.

The part that has wormed its way inside my brain because I think about politics so little and haven't considered this is the idea of the actual concern of the government for this issue. In my little self-righteous, emotionally charged mind, I want rights for everyone! Free love! An environment that is safe for all sexual expressions! But, that isn't what the government is interested in. The government is concerned with stability, interpreting the laws laid down in the Constitution and enforcing them in a manner that respects the rights of everyone. Hence, the government is not responsible for personal moral beliefs being forced onto other citizens; that is not in their job description. I had more to say about this that was coherent, but my mental abilities are becoming increasingly impaired from lack of sleep.

One last interesting thing I learned today regarding that case is the legal idea of "status" vs. "conduct." A status is a state of being of a citizen, something defining about the structure of their life. A conduct is more of a choice, and thus more loosely protected than an idea that is deemed a status. Since homosexuality has been shown in numerous studies to not be a chosen lifestyle that can be altered by outside influence, I can only hope that the Supreme Court will treat it as a status and thus marriage for same-sex couples will become legal and part of our national identity (take THAT, you motherfucking DOMA!).

That's what I like--expanding our national identity.

2010-07-29T12:49:00.001-07:00

http://www.randomhouse.com/modernlibrary/100bestnovels.html

Gotta read 'em all!

Emotionssssssss

2010-06-08T21:22:00.002-07:00

I have such a love/hate relationship with feelings (which seems appropriate). Sometimes I ignore them completely. Other times I just need to curl up with a romcom and angst about love. It seems so glorious to revel in the insane sensation in my chest. It does truly seem a bit crazy...

But now I feel like a high schooler writing on her livejournal. Enough of that.

On a side note, NO ONE IS FREDDIE MERCURY.

Two posts in one day??

2010-06-07T22:22:00.002-07:00

Sometimes, I need a good cry. Anything will trigger it; sometimes I remember something from my experiences, other times something in a book resonates. Today it was a book, and I sobbed and sobbed in the car.

It felt good, though I was sad. I was thinking about death and dying and losing yourself in that moment. I thought about all the students at Grinnell that died. It makes me wonder why they died and I'm still here. The random chance of it is frightening and fascinating. On bad days, I don't understand how someone as petty as me could be chosen over others. On good days, I mourn everyone who has been lost.

I don't think I'll ever be able to process death properly.

I think I've doomed myself to have bad dreams tonight...

Hello again!

2010-06-07T12:46:00.003-07:00

Well, I've thought several things perhaps worth writing down, but of course I can't think of them now. I suppose I could start with what's new in my life:

-Moving into my new apartment. This has been a very zen experience that is much less stressful than previous moves as I have so much time to do it! Also, I don't have to carefully wrap everything and then unwrap and discard all the paper and whatnot; I've just been using clothes for padding. I love having a space of my own where I can do what I want with every inch, but it's making me wish I had some design sense. All I know how to do is sew some seat cushions and some pillows for the furniture I will eventually purchase. I have a vague notion to try doing some rosemaling on the dining table and chairs, but I don't know if I'm artistic enough. For those of you not in the know, rosemaling is a style of Norwegian painting (I love things relating to my heritage!).
-I went to England. It was truly lovely, and made me miss having friends who can have fun without a ton of drama. Or having friends at all, actually.
-Research. I spent an entire day wiring one switch, and right now I'm updating my blog because the other two people in my lab are poring over programming language that I'm trying desperately to understand. It does make me feel a bit useless, but I don't feel stupid quite yet. I'm sure that will come with time...
-Books. Been reading a lot, which I love. That might be my favorite thing about grad school-free time to read what I want. I'm currently reading Black Like Me, which is interesting for its commentary on racial relations and how it has aged.

-Atheism. Yes, this gets to stand out by itself because it's rather important. I've felt pretty disconnected with my spiritual self out of lack of interest; I didn't think about it because I didn't need to. I recently read Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion, and it really challenged how I think about things. There were certain things I didn't agree with, and sometimes I found his arguments repetitive or not that convincing, but at the same time it got me thinking seriously about the world. For one, it made me pretty angry about religion.
All of the horrible, ridiculous, ignorant things that have happened in the name of this god or that deity all piled together make for one giant mass of bullshit.

Secondly, emphasis of faith and how it is ingrained in my head. As a scientist, a lot of the ideas in religion go strictly against the facts I understand and accept in every day life. However, having faith seems like a positive thing in my head. But how can it be a good thing? Why is it good to believe something that goes against what you observe with your senses? Why would some all-powerful god give us the ability of critical thinking just to have us reject it? I can't reconcile the idea that the stronger you are in your ignorance of the world, the better you are in your faith. It's positively abhorrent to me. It frightens me that we are supposed to be tolerant of such backward thinking, that challenging such behavior is considered disrespectful.

I should probably stop pontificating (ahh, more religion in my words), but I had to put out at least that thought. I finally understand those people who actively try to convert others because they are genuinely worried about people's souls. Instead, I actively worry about my religious friends and how they are either wasting their time or stubbornly turning their back on some of the beautiful things we are capable of.

The world is so lovely. Hooray for thinking.

Today, tomorrow

2010-05-16T14:52:00.002-07:00

It's another day where I feel like I'm going to burst. All my thoughts are building up in my head and they're jostling around because there's not enough room. This turns into me feeling physically ill (I've lost 5 pounds in the last 2 or 3 days because it means I'm not hungry) and feeling at a loss for things to do. I want to talk to someone, but when I go over what I want to say in my head, I realize how pathetic it sounds and it's way too embarrassing to say that to someone else. Or it seems too meaningless for anyone else to care. Or it will just reinforce their negative opinion of me.

I know I've done bad stuff. I've ruined most of my own life because I have no self control and I'm good at manipulating people. And now, it's impossible for me to move on. Well, it FEELS impossible. I'm not completely delusional (though I did spend the last 40 minutes staring at the ceiling in my room because I felt too heavy to move).

I just want someone to reach out to me. I always do it, and I know it probably should be me since I'm the one who fucks up all the time...but it would be nice if someone asked me what was going on in my life. Because they want to listen. Or something like that.

I feel gross just writing this here despite the fact that no one reads this. Just the idea that I've written it down for someone to find is ridiculous. I need to get over myself.

I've forgotten how to make friends. Though it doesn't help that I can't find people I actually like more than friendly acquaintances.

What a pathetic life I'm leading right now. Ug.

Religion

2010-04-19T17:50:00.003-07:00

I just spent a while reading Brian's blog from start to finish (it wasn't a novel or anything, but it took me a bit), and it made me realize how alien religion is to me now. When I think back on the points in my life where I thought I was a Christian, it seems so...naive? Not to disrespect religion (though Richard Dawkins would chastise me for such language), but I felt like MY participation of it was not really for spiritual enlightenment. I just got sucked in! I mean, people trying to get you to become part of their group, talking about the eternal love you'll have; you get to sing songs with other people; you are never alone. Christianity is made for people like me, so I suppose it isn't surprising I fell into it relatively easily.

The weird part is how those bits of my life seem out of sync with the rest--some sort of odd fugue in my life where I can't remember what happened. I have yet to resolve that, but for now it is a nonentity in my life. Maybe when I'm done with my PhD I can reconcile with religion, but not now. That's much too complicated.

Forgetful

2010-04-15T22:43:00.003-07:00

I feel like during the day, I think of things I'd love to write down and talk about. Of course, then I get home and look at my computer with nothing in my head.

I think I'm becoming more content with my life. I know I should put myself out there more, but for now I'm adjusting. My problem is I'm always waiting for something, so it seems like doing something NOW to change events would be a waste of time. For instance, right now I'm waiting for my trip to England, and then moving, and then classes, and then quals, and then research, and then graduation and then...gah. I'm not very good at self-motivating (as I'm finding with the whole "get up and run" efforts that have only partially been realized), but I'm a bit to old to be asking for someone to help me out. How did I get to be so lazy? My mother is so motivated, and my dad works hard. I somehow got my DNA spliced with a sloth or some such creature. I blame genetically modified food. Or Area 51. Or my generation. The Internet? Okay, I'll stop.

Mmmm, England.

Nostalgia

2010-03-28T09:36:00.002-07:00

Sandy is here and looking back at Xanga. Just remembering all that ridiculous high school drama again makes me feel so anxious. It also makes me think of this quote from Milan Kundera's book, Ignorance.

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return. To express that fundamental notion most Europeans can utilize a word derived from the Greek (nostalgia, nostalgie) as well as other words with roots in their national languages: añoranza, say the Spaniards; saudade, say the Portuguese. In each language these words have a different semantic nuance. Often they mean only the sadness caused by the impossibility of returning to one's country: a longing for country, for home. What in English is called "homesickness." Or in German: Heimweh. In Dutch: heimwee. But this reduces that great notion to just its spatial element. One of the oldest European languages, Icelandic (like English) makes a distinction between two terms: söknuour: nostalgia in its general sense; and heimprá: longing for the homeland. Czechs have the Greek-derived nostalgie as well as their own noun, stesk, and their own verb; the most moving, Czech expression of love: styska se mi po tobe ("I yearn for you," "I'm nostalgic for you"; "I cannot bear the pain of your absence"). In Spanish añoranza comes from the verb añorar (to feel nostalgia), which comes from the Catalan enyorar, itself derived from the Latin word ignorare (to be unaware of, not know, not experience; to lack or miss), In that etymological light nostalgia seems something like the pain of ignorance, of not knowing. You are far away, and I don't know what has become of you. My country is far away, and I don't know what is happening there. Certain languages have problems with nostalgia: the French can only express it by the noun from the Greek root, and have no verb for it; they can say Je m'ennuie de toi (I miss you), but the word s'ennuyer is weak, cold -- anyhow too light for so grave a feeling. The Germans rarely use the Greek-derived term Nostalgie, and tend to say Sehnsucht in speaking of the desire for an absent thing. But Sehnsucht can refer both to something that has existed and to something that has never existed (a new adventure), and therefore it does not necessarily imply the nostos idea; to include in Sehnsucht the obsession with returning would require adding a complementary phrase: Sehnsucht nach der Vergangenheit, nach der verlorenen Kindheit, nach der ersten Liebe (longing for the past, for lost childhood, for a first love).

Long, I know. But that's what I think. I don't think I want to return, though.

Crappy day

2010-03-26T17:43:00.001-07:00

Today was worthless.

Also, if you're trying to make someone feel better, don't tell them they need hydration.

2010-03-21T15:51:00.003-07:00

I wrote this list while riding a bus around Ireland 2 years ago, and I figure a cyber-copy should exist. Punctuation, capitalization, etc copied as written (though my blog has no underline option...boo).

Things to Do with my Life

Climb mountains/camp more (rock climbing)
Learn about flight, learn to fly?
Learn all Queen lyrics, perhaps other bands like the Rolling Stones & Bob Dylan, David Bowie
Be able to do multiple shots of whiskey
Watch all cult classic films (learn call backs for Rocky Horror)
Canoe at least once a month when feasible
Develop an intricate knowledge of teas and wines
Cultivate a quirky style of dress
Acquire the ability to take apart and put back together a car engine
read a book a week
Build a repertoire of songs to play on piano, from Debussy to Journey

Simple pleasures. I gotta work on these.

Another Friday

2010-03-19T09:48:00.003-07:00

Well, yet another week where very little has happened. I live for the weekends and don't work hard enough during the week. Something is telling me I'm not cut out for grad school, but I haven't been here a year. I shouldn't pass judgement.

Could be a happy weekend. I get to run around with prospective students and another grad student that I can't quite figure out. He's either a slightly douchey phony or a nice guy who likes generically masculine things. Why do I care? My life needs more intrigue. I blame my recent trend of watching Veronica Mars and a little reminiscing about high school.

Reminiscing about high school? Who AM I? I guess this is what happens when my mind is left to its own devices; it dredges up all possible memories where I was surrounded by caring people. I even have fond memories from Grinnell. Who would have thought...

Oh gosh, emo/angst post. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is not my livejournal! Bad Jaimie, bad!

Okay, positive things in my life: actually got the FTIR up and working (well, at least with this setup), am slowing making progress on my room, and I am feeling slightly better. Chalk 1 up for improvement!

I need more clever things to say on here. Soon, soon.

So tired

2010-03-15T12:08:00.007-07:00

I've been exhausted for about a month now. I can't figure out why; my best guess is a combination of depression, anxiety, and my weird food intake. It means my room is a mess, the apartment is gross, and I don't want to work because I'm so overwhelmed by the disaster around me. Throw in my life drama and a lack of absolutely anyone to whom I can talk, it's making a rather difficult hole to climb out of.

On a happier note, I had a really good Sunday. I got hugs for the first time since Christmas vacation. Plus, they were unexpected, which I'm pretty sure is the best kind. I went hiking with some '08 alumni (who were so lovely, they pretty much made my month). It involved numerous perilous crossings of a river that proved to be rather difficult for me. I made it all the way to the waterfall and back, but on the last crossing of the river, I made a misstep and managed to thoroughly soak my sneakers. Luckily, I had an opportunity to purchase $6 sandals instead of having to spend lunch with squishy shoes.

The experience made me realize that I would love to hike more often, and I'm fortunate enough to have fantastic hikes within easy driving distance (yay for California!). The only problem is I have no one to go with... This realization has pushed me to look into the Sierra Club, and what do you know--they have an informational meeting TONIGHT. Coincidence? I think not! We'll see if I have enough courage to actually show up.

That's the strange thing-doing anything outside of my room or my office seems so monumental and terrifying. I swear I used to be more outgoing and fearless. Once I actually do the thing I'm afraid of, it seems fine and I feel accomplished. Getting to that point, however, is so damn difficult. I started off okay-wandering around LA by myself and finding little hidden things in this ridiculous city. Then I slowly pulled in to myself, turtle-style.

Aww, turtle. Anyway, this was probably the most boring post ever. Reason #365 I will never be a writer (though for some reason in the back of my brain there's a chant in 2/4 time: write a book, write a book....).

Back to work. Tea is good.

Nightmares

2010-02-17T21:51:00.005-08:00

I keep having bad dreams that are so childish. I know exactly where they are coming from-senior year at Grinnell, plus a little high school drama mixed in. It's almost getting to the point where my subconscious doesn't want to be believe that anyone is actually my friend. Ricki seems to be aware of my upsetting dreams because she woke me up in the middle of one by pawing at my face.

It makes me angry because I'm sure the people who caused this haven't thought of me once since graduation, and yet I am constantly tired because of the twisted dreams I have because of their actions. I forgot about it for a good 6 months, and now I'm exhausted from the mental turmoil.

I know I've screwed up, but I hope I haven't done this to anyone. I'd rather be forgotten.

Maybe I'll write that novel. Ha.

Sad.

2010-01-27T01:30:00.003-08:00

I'm in one of those moods. I have yet to find one friend here, and everyone seems to be moving to other cities to be with other, better people. I have too many thoughts to keep them to myself. The people I do know share no common interest with me.

Why am I painfully shy now?

Okay, emo high school post needs to be over. NOW.

Dreams

2009-11-09T10:53:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm back in England. I had a dream about Theodore Cooper last night.

How odd.

Procrastination

2009-10-19T20:50:00.003-07:00

Working on a presentation, and it's making me wish I wasn't in a tech-filled world. I'm not very savvy at the whole PowerPoint thing (also, how often do you get to use words with two v's in a row?). I would post some of it here, but I can't figure out how...gah.

Stupid technology, I say. I don't care if this is on a blog. STUPID.

Back again!

2009-10-02T17:50:00.002-07:00

Hello world! I'm back again, and it's been a while.

My apartment is full of fleas. Ick. It's the apartment's fault, not my cat. My mom figures they didn't clean well enough and the larvae woke up when they had a host hanging around. Sick sick sick.

Here's a little taste of life right now.

Audiobooks are my new obsession

2009-08-13T12:51:00.002-07:00

But only ones I've already read. It just seems wrong to experience a non-children's book for the first time via someone else reading it to you. The writer intended it as a book to be read, not listened to. However, it's a wonderful way to relive books I read a while ago that have become a little hazy in my memory. I've gone through Pride and Prejudice, and now I've moved onto Brave New World. It's making my current indecision seem a little more poignant. This bit played in my car this morning, and it struck a chord.

"But I like the inconveniences."

"We don't," said the Controller. "We prefer to do things comfortably."

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."

"In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy."

"All right then," said the Savage defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy."

"Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to have syphilis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen to-morrow; the right to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind." There was a long silence.

"I claim them all," said the Savage at last.

Mustapha Mond shrugged his shoulders. "You're welcome," he said.

Huh.

Feeling a little Jerry Lee Lewis

2009-08-11T12:12:00.003-07:00

10,000 cool points to anyone who understand the blog title reference.

Being done with my blanket is making me antsy because I want to make more things...too bad I'm ridiculously poor. Stupid USC. I have to make it 15 more days. Pretty soon, I'm going to be asking for handouts.

I'm a little anxious about orientation next week. The class has shrunk, and some of the people I liked from the visit weekend who said they were coming for sure are NOT. Sad times. I will make friends, I will.

P.S. I've been brushing up on my Russian. Probably will be useful.

Eventful day+too many pictures

2009-08-09T20:50:00.012-07:00

Well, I didn't leave the house today. Whoops. At least I was productive. I finished my blanket, which looks pretty damn awesome. The edges are a little shitty, but it works. I also decided to use the old school trick of yarn things to tack the intersections in place. It was tedious, but worth it. My happy blanket is keeping me warm RIGHT NOW.

After all that, I dyed my hair and trimmed it a bit. Enjoy the picture parade. I forgot to take a decent "before" picture, so everyone will have to be satisfied with a "during" photo. Nothing else to report, except Ricki is really obnoxious when I'm sewing.

Goonight, LA

2009-08-09T00:26:00.005-07:00

Had a great time at the party, unexpectedly. Started off slowly, as I knew few people and was awkwardly stuck amongst a bunch of people speaking Russian (MUST RELEARN). I went and sat down by Andrew the postdoc so I could stare at his adorable baby, and Igor (a recent graduate) started talking to me about chemistry and life. I'm sad he's joining another lab because I want him to be my awesome Russian friend who teaches me how to fence. Ah well. Such is life. I also had fun talking to Lee. She's so quiet most of the time, but when she talks she's quite fabulous. All these people who are slightly awkward and secretly amazing...it's SCIENCE.

Worked on my blanket some more, which has a few flaws...but it's coming together. I had to rip out a row seam, which took me a good hour and a half. I don't regret it though; that seam now looks much better. Now what's left is the tricky part: cut the edges so they are even and then generate a fleece piece of equal size with right angles. Once that's done, I have the obnoxious task of sewing on 9 yards of bias binding. Stupid edges.

Wireless Problems

2009-08-08T08:51:00.007-07:00

Back after my computer once again decides to disable the wireless for no reason...stupid.

Anyway, as I mentioned on my Grinnell plan, I think I'm going to have updates with new recipes I try as well as projects I'm working on.

Last night for dinner, I made these awesome stuffed pattypan squash with this recipe. Obviously I left out the bacon part and I modified how much onion there was and added a bit of garlic. While the filling looked a little scary, I loved how happy and yellow the squash are.

As for projects, I'm making a blanket out of my old t-shirts. It makes me sad I didn't keep all my high school stuff or buy more Grinnell party shirts because then I could have a blanket from entirely one school. Oh well, shoulda coulda woulda. Also, I couldn't bear to cut up my chemistry shirts or my senior stable shirt. I'm too sentimental. Anyway, last night I sewed the squares together for the rows. Today I'm going to adventure out to get some fleece for the back, though I'm not entirely how to finish the edges. If anyone has some genius ideas, let me know.

I'm also going to get some pots and dirt today. Herb planter, here I come! And maybe an iron...ooo so domestic!

This evening I have a party to go to that will probably be a little awkward. I'm not even sure what time. But, room full of chemists? Definitely going to be a little weird.

More updates later!

Back to school?

2009-08-07T09:45:00.003-07:00

Well, I move out of my office today. I get to go downstairs to the 4th floor where all the other 1st year physical chemistry students are corralled. However, as they are mostly arriving Monday, I get first pick of the desks. Dr. Wittig has already given his opinion as to which would be the best choice (strange).

With school actually getting into gear next week, I am faced with the perennial contemplation as to whether or not to reinvent myself. I read somewhere that girls are much more likely than boys to do such a thing when they transition. I'm a bit curious as to what that says about my gender, but I'm not feeling intellectual enough to seriously consider it.

The hair has GOT to change. I haven't cut it since spring break, so I am currently cultivating a look that is very reminiscent of the BeeGees. All I need is some sweet facial hair and a little more volume, and I'm almost a perfect match. The only issue is that I am quite poor, and cutting my own hair tends to be rather difficult (even though I'm managed in the past).

Furthermore, my hair has been it's actual color for longer than it has since about 8th grade. This is truly a tragedy, and I intend to remedy the situation as soon as possible.

Well, enough about that. Who knew I would fixate on such silly things? Time to go to work and figure out how to invert infinite series. If you have any pointers, let me know.

Ready...Set....

2009-08-06T16:56:00.003-07:00

Okay. I've been told by a professor that he's counting on me, so I'm going to do it. I'm going to kick grad school's ass, starting with quantum mechanics.

Look out, USC.

Did you miss me?

2009-07-13T11:26:00.001-07:00

Hey bloggy blog, I'm back. I should be working on figuring out what line strengths do to affect signal intensity for 2+1 REMPI, but oh well.

My life is a combination of too intense and extremely empty at the moment. I think I'll talk about that later.

My 1/4 Life Crisis

2009-04-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm really worried. As is typically the case when one's life is changing, I'm questioning EVERYTHING. These are the current things:

Why didn't I apply to more prestigious colleges than Grinnell?
Why didn't I take more humanities/social science courses?
Am I really good enough at science to get a PhD?
Why am I choosing a life course that doesn't involve a focus on people?
Why have I stopped maintaining relationships with people?
Who will notice when I'm gone?

Tough. Tough stuff. And you can't take it back.

The Welsh and My Intelligence

2008-03-14T04:51:00.002-07:00

I don't know why I get so drunk sometimes. I become this awful version of myself that lacks intelligence, class, and sanity. It makes me want to hide from everyone and hope that they can't really remember what I did last night.

I hate how I'm not as smart as I think I am. And I hate that other people think I'm as smart as I think I am. Because I'm NOT. This Welsh boy is another one of those "thinks I'm really smart, even smarter than him" types. I don't know how to respond to that. What do I say? If I say I'm not, it's just "modesty".

Okay, this is a weird post. I'm just feeling stupid today and I wanted to let it out somewhere.

"The Graduate" in Real Life

2008-03-06T11:36:00.003-08:00

I love The Graduate. Dustin Hoffman's indifference to life is exactly how I can feel when I contemplate what I'm going to do with my own life, and Anne Bancroft is exactly the sort of woman I'm afraid of becoming. But, the best part of the entire movie (in my opinion) is the end scene where Elaine and Ben are sitting on the bus. To me, it describes relationships EXACTLY. The awkwardness of their expressions, how they smile but not at the same time, and seem unsure if they can look at the other. No matter what, though, they know they are stuck together.

I also have to love any movie that uses a cross as a bludgeoning weapon and also a tool to lock people in. Oh, the subconscious message that sends...

Summary of My British Friends

2008-02-29T08:31:00.002-08:00

I know I should actually write something, but I just summed it up to Sandy and I don't wish to type again!
handcuffs05: i dunno, all the guys are kinda fascinated by you because i keep talking about you
handcuffs05: so we shall see
rockmysocks305: ha
handcuffs05: but yeah
handcuffs05: i find 4 guys cute, but i'm wary of them for other reasons
rockmysocks305: such as?
handcuffs05: as i've told you before, i think
handcuffs05: well
rockmysocks305: one is uber christian?
handcuffs05: he's more of a hippie christian
rockmysocks305: ok
handcuffs05: he's probably one of my favorite kids here, he's pretty relaxed and more mature than most
handcuffs05: he has a good sense of humor
handcuffs05: i'll just tell you about all of the guys
handcuffs05: that one is "doctor" tom
handcuffs05: everyone and their mother is named tom here, so all the toms have nicknames to tell them apart
handcuffs05: he's studying to be a doctor
rockmysocks305: ok
handcuffs05: (in the UK you go directly into medical school instead of doing premed undergrad stuff)
handcuffs05: then there's nye
handcuffs05: his full name is "aneurin"
handcuffs05: pronouced "uh-NYE-run"
handcuffs05: which is pretty frickin cool
handcuffs05: he lives next door
rockmysocks305: yeah!
handcuffs05: he seems like a bit of a dude
handcuffs05: skateboards and has pants hanging off his butt
rockmysocks305: hahaha
handcuffs05: but he's one of the nicest of the guys
handcuffs05: really considerate and extremely friendly
handcuffs05: he really likes calling people "knob"
handcuffs05: that means dick, here
rockmysocks305: hahaha

Auto response from handcuffs05: handcuffs05: WE'RE MAKING CYBER BABIES
handcuffs05: ha
handcuffs05: just kidding
RoCkMySoCkS305: i hope they're hermaphaditic cyborg children

rockmysocks305: KNOB
handcuffs05: i know
handcuffs05: some of their slang is so fucked up
handcuffs05: anyway
handcuffs05: matt is the one i have a crush on
rockmysocks305: ok
handcuffs05: he's studing to be a civil engineer
handcuffs05: he shows a general disdain for girls in general
handcuffs05: and is quite cynical
rockmysocks305: disdain for girls?
handcuffs05: he teases them a lot
handcuffs05: and is not sweet
handcuffs05: not in a misogynist type way, don't worry
handcuffs05: misogyny has never been my thing
handcuffs05: freddie is the one who thinks i'm attractive
handcuffs05: he is SUPER awkward
handcuffs05: and makes annoying "women are inferior" and obvious sexual jokes all the time
handcuffs05: he does no real work
rockmysocks305: ew
handcuffs05: and wears tie dye t-shirts every day
rockmysocks305: YESSSSSSSSSSS
handcuffs05: (i forgot to say that matt wears tight-ish pants and i enjoy staring at his ass)
rockmysocks305: hahahaha
rockmysocks305: perfect
handcuffs05: kit is a chem major who is quite conservative and a bit pretentious
handcuffs05: he's the only one who smokes, and he rolls his own cigarettes (though it's more common to do that here than in the states)
handcuffs05: he sort of sounds like the beatles
handcuffs05: and he's a bit music snob
handcuffs05: mostly listens to british indie music
handcuffs05: *big
handcuffs05: ben is sort of like a puppy
handcuffs05: he's really cute, but a bit immature
handcuffs05: he makes really good facial expressions, especially when he's disgusted or drunk
handcuffs05: "nervous" tom is exactly that
handcuffs05: a bit jumpy
handcuffs05: really skinny and awkward
rockmysocks305: hahahaha
handcuffs05: dating one of the girls i hand out with
rockmysocks305: omg i love your friends already
handcuffs05: he's the sweetest
handcuffs05: if he thinks you aren't having fun
rockmysocks305: who are your girl friends?
handcuffs05: he'll come talk to you and pull you into the group
handcuffs05: oh wait
rockmysocks305: haha
handcuffs05: there's two more guys
rockmysocks305: ok
handcuffs05: t is this massive kid from mongolia
handcuffs05: he's REALLY loud
handcuffs05: and obnoxious
handcuffs05: for some reason, he likes talking to me
handcuffs05: and has nicknamed me "janus anus"
handcuffs05: for some reason
handcuffs05: and finally
handcuffs05: there's gary
handcuffs05: he has a fantastic accent
handcuffs05: sometimes i can't really understand him
rockmysocks305: oh prefect
handcuffs05: he's obsessed with superheros and WWE
rockmysocks305: weird
handcuffs05: yeah
handcuffs05: he's a sweetie too
handcuffs05: pretty friendly and really funny
handcuffs05: and that's the guys
handcuffs05: as for the girls
handcuffs05: there's rubia
rockmysocks305: what about nick and seena?
handcuffs05: oh
handcuffs05: i don't count them
handcuffs05: nick is
handcuffs05: nick
rockmysocks305: haha i see
handcuffs05: he's a unique kid
handcuffs05: sort of the stereotypical cool/hippie type kid
rockmysocks305: good
handcuffs05: likes making jokes about dicks and tits
handcuffs05: as you could see
rockmysocks305: right. observed.
handcuffs05: and gives money to homeless people
handcuffs05: seena talks really fast
rockmysocks305: oh yeah you told me that story
handcuffs05: and likes to cut you off while you're talking to him so he can twist your words around and tease you
handcuffs05: he is a music snob as well
rockmysocks305: oh dear
handcuffs05: but anyway
handcuffs05: the girls
handcuffs05: rubia is dating "nervous" tom
handcuffs05: she's pretty funny
handcuffs05: she's very strong willed, very competattive, and abit of a tomboy
handcuffs05: she's really tiny and indian
handcuffs05: there's liz, who is also small and indian
handcuffs05: she's kinda quiet, except when she gets drunk
handcuffs05: then she loves grabbing your hands and dancing exuberantly with you
handcuffs05: she has a strong distaste for feminine clothing and spends most of her time in jeans and a sweatshit
handcuffs05: *shirt
handcuffs05: prudence is awesome
handcuffs05: she's also studying to be a doctor
handcuffs05: she's a big atheist, and has an opinion about everything
handcuffs05: she enjoys being right and starting arguments about religion
handcuffs05: she's never had a boyfriend because i think she might be too much to handle
handcuffs05: vanessa is from sweden
handcuffs05: she wants to be british
handcuffs05: she dresses like a lawyer crossed with a dominatrix
rockmysocks305: hahaha
handcuffs05: and is very feminist and has a great distaste for men in general
handcuffs05: she also like correcting people
handcuffs05: mel is a tiny blonde girl who smiles pretty much all the time
handcuffs05: i don't think i've seen her look sad the whole time i've been around
handcuffs05: she's extremely nice
handcuffs05: yasmin is the loudest
handcuffs05: she's originally from ghana, but has lived in london since she was like 8
handcuffs05: she can be a bit clueless, but she tries to make sure everyone is okay
rockmysocks305: aww
handcuffs05: she laughs a LOT
handcuffs05: she's pretty entertaining
handcuffs05: and then there's valerie
handcuffs05: she's travelling with me over easter break
handcuffs05: she's from chicago
rockmysocks305: oooh
handcuffs05: she's really funny, and we enjoy being weird americns together
handcuffs05: i think that's it
handcuffs05: i've probably forgotten someone...
handcuffs05: oh wait
handcuffs05: there's julia
handcuffs05: she's from canada and talks a lot
rockmysocks305: canadia, eh
handcuffs05: she has a bit of a low self esteem
rockmysocks305: well it sounds like a good group of people
handcuffs05: yup
handcuffs05: they are really fun
handcuffs05: kinda immature
handcuffs05: but they are freshman

Poor Life Choices, But Good Feelings

2008-02-19T01:17:00.000-08:00

I went to a club last night called Joshua Brooks. It was "Indie" Night, meaning the music was completely wonderful (of course, their definition of "indie" included Aretha Franklin and Jackie Wilson, but I'm not complaining). The DJs were quite entertaining, though one of them definitely lied to me by saying he had already played my request. One had fantastic hair that just screamed, "TOUCH ME!" but I resisted. The rest of the kids there were absolutely ridiculously dressed in indie clothes. I'm always entertained how female indie fashion requires the wearer to have cracked-out short hair and an ill-fitting dress with an outrageous coat. It's not flattering, but I guess you stand out. I remained inconspicuous with my black shirt and jeans. AND we somehow managed to dance for 3+ hours. I think I might be sore for the next few days.

The good thing was how I honestly enjoyed myself. I was smiling without trying a couple of times, which hasn't happened in a long time. I started thinking about how being here seems normal, and I'm not quite the outsider I used to be.

The real change over was early last week. One of the guys on my floor knocked on my door to get me for dinner. It sounds ridiculous and stupid, but previously I had just heard people heading to dinner and came out of my room and tried not to look like I was pathetic.

Hooray for fitting in. I guess this means I can start to be myself again. I can't wait.

Drifting Past

2008-02-17T07:15:00.003-08:00

Time is making fun of me again. It passes by in spurts, then drags along like the moment will never end. I suppose the self-medicating isn't helping--everything becomes more muffled and meaningless. I keep having this sense that no matter what I do, I'm not going to get what I want due to laziness or my insufficiencies. How do people wake up in the morning? It's getting harder.

I know I sound like a suicide risk, but I'm not. I just have to remember what keeps me going, what makes me care. Apathy has never been something to bother me, but now it's all I feel most of the time. I need to stop watching movies and reading books, because that's not how it really is.

Songs are starting to make me cry, even if they aren't sad. What the fuck does that mean?

Am I Making This Up?

2008-02-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

Does it make a difference? I keep coming back to my computer, even though I have to do all this work. I can't quite figure out what is in my head, or if it's even important. I am not used to all of this seclusion; it makes me go crazy when I'm at Grinnell, and I think I'm heading in that direction here. Seriously, I've pulled out the Bright Eyes: this is serious.

I hate the English language. Everything has been said already-I need some new words.

Maytag: A Bit Of Home

2008-02-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

I never thought I'd be so happy to see a Maytag washer and dryer. I've been avoiding doing my laundry this whole time because I was terrified of finding some sort of horrific machine monster that was going to ruin my clothing, forcing me to go around England naked. Of course, that still might be the case as I wanted to save money and I jammed my whites and colors in one machine with some mystery detergent that looks very questionable. Oh well, we'll see how it goes. It so happens that after I put it on the woolens setting, I read on the side of the detergent box that it shouldn't be used for washing woolens. Heh.

Well, having just switched my clothing to the dryer, I find that it is all normal color, though probably not clean. What I mistook for seemingly-out-of-nowhere bleach stains were actually parts of my shirts that were still dry. Whoops. Clean enough, I guess.

I'm pretty proud of the fact that this entire entry has been about laundry. I think I'm going to leave it this way.

I'm Still Alive!

2008-02-01T05:37:00.000-08:00

Aren't you all impressed? I managed to get lost in Manchester searching for a yarn store. I swear they invented knitting on the British Isles, and yet for some reason I can't find yarn anywhere. I looked up yarn stores on Google Maps, but my exploit was not successful. The first place I ended up was pretty far east of Manchester and consisted of brick buildings that all contained "knitwear" shops. Except I think they meant "meth and other hard drugs" instead of knitwear. Honestly, to get into any of the stores, you had to enter graffiti-covered buildings, climb structurally unsound stairs, and then ring a bell labelled with Sharpie to get into the store. It was quite odd and rather unsettling.

The second store I tried to locate ended up being much farther away than I assumed by looking at the map. I ended up walking alongside various institutions of physical labor (welding, car maintenance, etc.) that were opposite an industrial park. The eerie part was how there wasn't anyone else walking on the sidewalk--just me and my iPod. I tried to walk home via a direct route, but I somehow ended up back on the academic campus exactly where I started off. I literally walked in a giant circle without really knowing where I was going. Props to me for being productively oblivious. Or maybe the other way around?

The weather was ridiculous while I was out walking. Tiny ice pellets would suddenly fly at my face while the sun was shining. And, being my hippie self, I had my Birkenstocks on and froze my feet. No "I told you so"'s please.

I'm still being an anti-social "twat", as one might put it if one was from England. I think I might be getting better...

Culture Spasm

2008-01-27T04:55:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a bit isolated. Sort of like this------->. Oh well. I feel older and more quiet and morose than everyone else around me. I hate this culture shock business. I keep thinking about the stages you go through and matching my feelings up to that. I don't want to be like everyone else, I want to be stronger and put myself out there and make friends. Instead I'm sitting in my room listening to the Flaming Lips and reading random Wikipedia articles about serial killers. Good job Jaimie, way to be up beat. I should stop now before this blog turns into my livejournal. Honestly, I need to keep my angst at a managable level, which means only able to fill one blog (NOT two).

England is a good place to be, but I think it will be better when I have work to do (shudder). I can't help it if I live to do chemistry. It's so unfortunate that I'm not doing any labwork this semester. I'm going to be shit by the time I get back to Grinnell. I'm still in denial that I'm not going back until next semester. For some reason I feel like I'll be here for a month, and then magically wake up in Grinnell and continue taking class there. Why am I here again? I'm so concerned about really regretting this decision and making my short time at Grinnell even shorter. I'm missing all my senior friends graduate, and for what? Babysitting drunk 18-year-old British guys. I guess I'm learning about culture, too? Of course, most of what they talk about is American anyway.

Goodness it's hard to keep myself together right now.

Manchester Blog!

2008-01-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

There you go, blog. I haven't forgotten you! I shall now christen you Sir Blog and you shall be my online record of my time in Manchester. Sound like a deal?

And she saw that it was good. Jolly good, in fact.

It overwhelms me

2007-08-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

How do people end relationships? How can they do it if they care about each other so much? What extenuating circumstances are the tipping point?

I keep thinking about this because it seems relationships around me or involving me are falling apart or building up or have these histories that are sad and fascinating and surreal.

All I want to do is put people's lives back together, pick up the pieces and fit them so they are how they once were. Is that odd that I want to do that? Is it weird that I think people were happier before they met me? I don't mean in all cases-I don't think I'm a horrible person. Just, that I'm not good for romantic relationships. I complicate things; I have issues. Of course, everyone is screwed up. But, I hardly know who I am or what I want.

I can't decide if I'm sweet, a bitch, smart, lazy, intuitive, or anything else. I lie and I tell the truth when I shouldn't. I reveal very personal parts of me and keep the important bits hidden (as if I even knew what those were). I try to show what I think people want to see.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I TRULY BELIEVE, THINK, OR FEEL.

How do you tell someone that?

Fall from grace

2007-08-06T14:49:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when people in your life that you idolized were suddenly on the same level as you? Or even lower?

Is the fall a bad thing? Or do we learn what life is really like?

I don't remember the exact moment I no longer idealized Brian. Maybe it was a slow process that is finally coming to a conclusion. I can see the flaws, the issues, the horrible stains that were invisible to me a few months ago.

I'm not saying this to be mean or put myself above him. We're all like that. The problem is when we pretend that there IS such a person out there that we can see as perfect and they will live up to our expectations. Relationships aren't spectacular, and if they are, it's not going to last. If you find something that is really good, and consistently good, THEN you've found a piece of real life. Something that isn't synthetically created in your head full of wishful thinking.

I have to remember that. I don't want to fuck up the un-perfect things.

All I want is some decent tea

2007-07-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

That is all. More exciting things later, when I have time to think about things that are not chemistry.

Songs Drift In

2007-07-27T13:59:00.001-07:00

Right now I'm humming a song that just dropped into my head. It's strange how I can sit at the piano for hours and not be inspired at all, but then I'll be going about doing other things and a song with appear fully formed in my head. But, I'll forget it when I get near a piano again.

The frustrations I face.

People and their eccentricities

2007-07-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how awkward naked bodies are? In my head, I feel like they should be graceful, created out of smooth lines and continuous.

But they aren't. They are lumpy, with odd contraptions attached here and there for various purposes. Now, I don't want to criticize the divine creator on his design or anything so presumptuous. It's just a bit surprising-think about a majority of mammals and their sleek fur and elegant diversity(I didn't say animals in general because some reptiles and amphibians are awkward as hell). We're just squishy and lumpy bits of flesh.

This sounds odd, as if I'm into bestiality. I promise I'm not, I just think about strange things.

Well, time for chemistry! Carbonyl Queen strikes again!

Because the thing I need most in the world is another blog!

2007-07-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help it. Blogspot is so sleek, so refined, and it smells like vanilla and pine! Okay, maybe I'm just bored in the NMR room and I wanted something to do. But that doesn't mean I love you any less, new blog. I'll still wait for you to come home at night.

In case anyone is wondering, I feel like this:

{This would be a picture of an exhausted kitten, but I can't figure out how to put in pictures.}

Now I shall return to looking at fid signals and contemplate what facet of my mind will be represented in this particular corner of the Internets.